“Hey pretty one. I miss u! hope ur having fun. X.”
how did he know that I kind of needed this today? or that I had just gotten so close to convincing myself that I wasn’t afraid of losing him?
confession: it’s not our breakup I am terrified of. this breakup will likely happen when I graduate. and after I graduate I will have to come back here. and I am terrified of dealing with a broken heart in this isolation and confinement. I fear the constant silent buzzing in my head will drive me mad.
you know, I remember when I went to therapy when my parents took me out of Wellesley. my parents spent more time talking to Joanie than I did, making me sit in the waiting room while they took up my only hour of talking to someone in the outside world. and 4 years later, it still infuriates me that I allowed them to take even that small respite away from me.
I guess I’m infuriated that 4 years later, nothing has changed. I am still afraid of them, still consumed with guilt from the moment I wake up to the minute I fall asleep.
My mother said today that people who are nice to me are only out to hurt me. Must I be afraid of kindness also?
